Monday, December 27, 2010

Out with the old and in with the new

In the year that Dr Gius Balthar became the chancellor of the Exchequor and not-so-secretly undermined the economy creating vulnerabilities for the Cylons to exploit I thought I'd take a look forward to what we might expect for the 2011.

The first shock of the year comes when the planned statue of Tony Blair is scrapped. The Lib Dems hail yet another alteration to government policy when an enormous statue to Nick Clegg is erected standing astride Westminster bridge eating the dismembered body of a baby.

Simon Hughes declares this proves the party's critics wrong as the Tories were probably planning a statue of Darth Vader or something.

Next Vince Cable is awarded a special honour by his leader of a bright jewel embedded in the centre of his forehead. This not only shows the world how important the quick stepping Octogenarian is, it has the added facility of allowing Clegg the ability to monitor all his conversations with 'constituents' in order to 'help' him with any extra work load that may need taking off him.

The new year will not be free of scandals and mis-speaking moments either.

Green MP Caroline Lucas will be heard declaring that the next organisation to give her an award will be "awarded a knuckle sandwich" in return. When discussing the issue of her many awards, Lucas thought she was talking to a resident of Brighton Pavillion, who was in fact a staffer at The Pidgeon Fanciers' Gazette picking up their biggest scoop of the year.

Lucas was thought to be annoyed that people thought one token sane MP in the House of Commons was enough. "If I don't get some decent company in the voting lobby soon," she declared "I'm going postal. No, honestly, I am. Postal. You just watch."

Comeback of the year will go to David Laws who returned to frontbench politics in the Exchequer for several hours until it was revealed that he had been charging the taxpayer for wages for a member of staff who turned out to be his six month old love child. His insistence that the child, "Broken-No", was indeed doing light typing and answering the phone cut little ice with the public.

Promotion comes unexpectedly to Tory Nadine Dorries who's brief at the Ministry for Equality takes many campaigners by surprise. Her promise to re-inject religious values into politics and make the Taliban look like "rank amateurs" makes some on the government benches uneasy.

Michael Gove is finally sacked as education minister when he is found literally setting fire to a primary school.

The Prime Minister had forgiven his previous bulldozing of a secondary school but was visibly shaking on a TV interview as he reminded viewers "That this school is in Surrey. Surrey!"

David Miliband makes a surprise return to politics as a government adviser on Afghanistan. David will say that "Given the rank corruption, treachery and poor leadership we have seen, Afghanistan will make a refreshing change from UK politics."

In international news Sarah Palin will launch a new Crusade to the holy land. A five thousand strong volunteer army joins her in storming Graceland, handing over the running of its gift shop to Halliburton. Sadly Palin was injured in a friendly fire incident when a stray bullet hit her in the head.

Doctors say that had the bullet hit her "three feet lower, it would have gone straight through her brain."

My last prediction is that the coalition breaks up and an early general election is called. The surprise winner by a landslide is a newly formed party "Just dance" which was put together by party leader and founding member Lady Gaga in response to the deep cynicism of politics.

"Politicians are always wearing a poker face and claim there is nothing else I can say while hiding their true motives. To them it is a game that they love, but this love game leaves most of us cold rather than chillin. With my experience with the paparazzi I can end this bad romance of a media manipulated political game. When I am Prime Minister anyone will be able to pick up the telephone and speak to me direct, even Alejandro."

Sadly, this all turned out to be bollocks.

No comments: