Jim's Vegetarian Treats: Part One: Apples

First purchase your apple.

- choose your variety to taste. Each to their own.
- if you don't hold the planet and its inhabitants in complete contempt please try to buy local.

Alternatively.

- you may prefer to steal your apple. This is one of the only acceptable reasons to go into a Tesco Express.
- unlike when you use your hard moolah please do not steal from local, independent shops.
- for the true eco-anarchist you should steal your apple direct from a local orchard, straight from the tree, colloquially known as 'scrumping'.

Rub your apple.

- I use a left-handed, brisk polishing motion to my breast pocket.
- You may use either hand.
- You might prefer to apply your apple to the thigh of your jeans, the tummy of your jumper or you may prefer the more traditional upper arm of your jacket.
- It is not socially acceptable to use your back jeans pocket, a scarf, towel or, indeed, your socks.

Lastly, eat your apple.

- one bite at a time.
- chew a responsibly for each and every mouthful.

How much of the apple do I eat?

- some people discard the core. This is the kind of profligate eco-criminality that has sent the world spinning towards its untimely demise. I consume the core, with pips, then chew the stalk stuck at a jaunty angle from the left corner of my mouth.
- alternatively you can compost the remains.