Great balls of fire

I'm generally opposed to the setting light of genitals. Perhaps it's the C of E school I went to or some throwback to Victorian morality but, most of the time, I would say fire and dangly bits do not mix.

However, you do have to have some sympathy with the Greek woman who's up on charges for arsonising some hapless tourist's meat and two veg. When I saw the headline I assumed it was going to be one of those vile domestic incidents that come around with such horrible regularity, but no.

One side of the story goes like this;

"Mr Feltham, 20, who is in hospital with second-degree burns, says he was the innocent victim of an unprovoked attack." He was just sitting there quietly chatting to some guy when she came up and set light to his genitals.

Very plausible I hear you say. But let's at least hear out the defense.

"Mr Feltham was having a 'farewell fling', leading him to a state of total drunkenness and 'excessively lewd behaviour'... Stuart Feltham groped her and then exposed himself in a bar. Miss Fanouraki told police she was 'accosted from behind and shamelessly molested'." It was then that she threw a drink over him and when he still would not desist he burst into flames (either at his own hand or hers, the stories vary).

Whichever side of the story was correct it seems; "A crowd gathered outside the police station where Miss Fanouraki was being questioned and there were cries of 'Bravo, bravo' when she was freed on bail." It appears the people of Crete are more than a little sick and tired of the English booze culture on tour.

Now, without pre-judging the outcome of the court case a word of advice. Gentlemen, if you are concerned that your genitals might be set alight just obey this one simple rule. Keep 'um in your trousers, they'll be perfectly safe tucked away in there.