Monday, April 13, 2009

Exclusive leaked email!

The Daily (Maybe) has come into possession of a top secret email sent between high ranking personnel in the security services detailing equipment used in the war on terror. The email exchange is between an on the ground operative, Cmdr J. Bond, and the official quarter master to the security services, who only goes by the initial Q (pictured), and represents a severe breach of security.

From: Q {}
To: Jimmy Bond {}
Subject: Sweet new toys (for your eyes only)

Now listen Bond, I've got a few new pieces of equipment for your latest mission. Think you might find them useful.

First we have the "invisible folder". Slip this innocent looking folder to your target. Once they put their report inside it slowly turns invisible, revealing the contents, hopefully at the most inopportune moment. Remember to bring your camera to take a snap of those secret documents!

As soon as I find where I've put it I'll post it to you.

Second we have a highly advanced gas that gives the victim a short bout of amnesia. Fast acting and highly effective the victim wont even realise they've been effected. I've built it into the side of this laptop - all you need to do is press this large button on the side and the gas is released. For God's sake don't press it by mistake otherwise you're likely to squirt yourself and leave the laptop behind.

We're running out of them, so do be careful!

Third we have a lovely bit of trickery pokery. Imagine you've just killed someone and the press actually cover it - I know it's unlikely but the media do cover this sort of thing if they don't feel they have a choice. It's far too late to kill the story so what is to be done? Just press this alert button and we'll launch a massive distraction exercise. We'll round up some foreigners, probably provoke a row with a friendly state and generally ensure the press fills up with stories about how we've saved everyone from certain doom.

The press will make most of the stories up for us, so we don't even have to feed them anything else, newspapers will be full of pages of sensational rubbish about nightclubs being bombed or a dirty bomb - all before anyone has even been charged, let alone convicted :-)

Of course, if that doesn't work we'll just park a tank outside Heathrow and say it's a national emergency. That usually works.

Astonishing stuff!

1 comment:

Natalie Bennett said...

When truth is stranger than fiction :-)

Thank you, it cheered up my work afternoon!