Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The secret of financial success? Give people the finger.

Yet another vacuous study coming to bizarre, unhelpful, pointless, unsupported conclusions that we can't do anything about. The papers report that tax payers' money has been spent studying the fingers of city financiers. Those with the longest ring fingers are the most successful it seems, which is naturally down to surplus testosterone turning an ordinary arsehole into an alpha arsehole of the most gargantuan proportions.

Quite how scientifically valid this research is when it results from the examination of forty four, count them forty four, city gents and their whithered grasping claws, I'm not sure. It seems a rather small sample size to start making wide pronouncements on the genetic secrets of fiscal probity over the whole of mankind.

The researchers say baldly; "Our model suggests a roughly even split between the contributions of biology and experience; biology in this case being the organising effects of pre-natal androgens on an individual's body, brain and behaviour." Right, OK, so you've just sorted out the entire nature nurture debate right there have you? It's about equal is it? Sure, I'll remember that bit of stunning evidence for future reference.

In addition to this the news reports forget to record how much misery the chill touch of these long fingered misanthropes has caused, nor do they venture an opinion on whether their criminal psychosis has impacted on their general well being as well as their off shore bank accounts and tax dodging trust funds, because none of that is "success". All you need to remember is testosterone = finger = money = success.

I mean obviously these people have finished curing cancer, fixing the hole in the Ozone layer, perfecting renewable energies and so on, so in their spare time they've taken it on themselves to gaze longingly into the eyes of these most bloated plutocrats for the opportunity of holding their hands, all under the thinly veiled ruse of scientific research. Question the nature of the city? That's not science, science is just there to tell you why these people are so wonderfully rich.

If only these Cambridge researchers would come round my gaff. I have a finger for them. Two in fact.

Finger watch; How long is his finger? Or his? Or theirs? Or his? How long was his? Where do they put their fingers? Where did he put his? Oh no - everyone's fingers are shortening!

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