I regret to inform readers of The Daily (Maybe) that two nights ago I went next door and murdered each and every one of my neighbours. I then proceeded, over the following twenty four hours, to make my way up the street slaughtering those who were in my path and who were neither lucky nor nimble enough to avoid my wide firing arc. But readers, you must understand I was provoked.
Frank at number six smashed my windows Sunday night. Can you really condone that? How would you like it if people smashed your windows, endangering children, household pets and our ability to sleep? You would not, and until Frank (who everyone agrees is an arsehole, even many of the people I've recently killed) commits to ending his unjustified and vicious attacks it is with deep regret that I will be unable to lay down my Uzi nine millimetre.
It's true I did mutilate Frank's wife last summer, but everyone knows that was collateral damage in my campaign to obliterate Bob who smashed my garden gnomes. Unless Frank can put the past behind him I can't see how we'll ever achieve peace in the area. Surely we can agree that nothing can justify smashing my windows.
Some people have suggested that this may stoke up resentment against me and may even lead to reprisals, these voices even have the temerity to suggest that this episode can be traced back through the incident with Bob, through the various other incidents that have occurred down the years right back to when I murdered Mrs Thomas, the previous occupant of my home, and put her children out on the street.
I say that these "people" are simply consumed with hatred. We can do little about the past and we should just recognise we are where we are. If they can't get over it by now then there really is no hope for them. And do you now what - some of the locals even think I've no right to live in the street! You see how crazy these people are?
Surely everyone recognises that I am blighted by neighbours from hell who tell their surviving children wicked stories about me - comparing me to various bad people in history - is it any wonder they grow up to smash garden ornaments and windows? Is it any wonder that they think nothing of using their children as shields, deliberately putting them in harms way by living side by side with their offspring.
Even now they continue to throw stones and wish me and my family harm. All they need to do is stop their aggressions and, eventually, I'd take a step back to reload and even, because that's what a cool guy I am, allow some ambulances and food parcels in. Not everyone would you know.
I say those reprisals, should any take place, simply prove how right I was to take preemptive action against these hate filled enemies of freedom. Thankfully the police have now asked Frank to stop smashing my windows and the international community has been clear that there are faults on both sides here. Mainly theirs.
From the BBC (click to enlarge).
One day left to vote in my Iran poll (right).