Saturday, August 09, 2008

Dear Ronald

Dear Ronald,

I regret to inform you that as of today I will no longer be one of your many oh-so-valued customers. Having put this to a public vote the people have spoken and I am now on a permanent boycott of your products. Not a single fry nor lard-laced shake shall pass my lips again.

There's clearly something that people find distasteful about your corporation, let alone your food. Christ alone knows how you manage to make meals that are both rank and bland simultaneously, I'm sure that takes exceptional skill and years of experience.

As a symbol of the encroachment of a throw away, plastic society your golden arches so often herald not the gateway to culinary bliss but the daunting entrance to Hades itself. Each one of your "restaurants" genuinely affords us a glimpse of hell. Not the gothic fantasies of disturbed youths with pitch forks and lava but the stifling, monotonous uniformity of once fertile brains turning slowly to grey mush, so numb to the process are the staff and patrons that they don't notice as their living flesh becomes saturated with salt and fat.

Many people have issues around animal welfare and your products. However, like you, I hate animals and live for the day that each and everyone of them is reared in a tiny, lightless box before ending up between two baps and a piece of saggy, semi-washed lettuce. It is far better than they deserve. When is the last time you saw a chicken do someone a favour?

Others despair at the environmental impact your policies have both on the climate and social justice. I say if these tree hugging hippies like the environment so much why don't they go and live there? See how they like it then.

Some worry that you buy political influence - but what is the point of industrial strength moolah if you can't keep a pet political party or two? I know I would if I had the dough, I even have the party in mind. I've even heard some people come out with extremely piffling concerns, such as encouraging poor diets, but we all know you sell salads now - or you would if anyone ordered them.

I might reconsider this boycott the day of the first all McDonalds strike and the union goes super size but until that day I had best preserve my soul and stay away from your establishments, coated with the foul stench of wasted lives as they are.

yours with love,



Green Gordon said...

Apparently lard-laced is an urban myth. Shame really.

Jim Jay said...

They *taste* lard laced at any rate :)