Bang him up: he's a cycle path

Now come on - just cooooome on - what's all this about?

"A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

"Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

"Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

"Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr."

No way! Essentially this guy had been living in a hostel for more than a year and, for what ever reason, decided to give himself a thrill by rubbing himself against his bicycle. In his bedroom. With the door locked.

He's now on the sex offenders register because cleaners took it on themselves to unlock and open the door and were extremely shocked. Well shut the damn door then!

"Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."" Frankly, you haven't now either you muppet.

From what I've read in the media I can't find out what on Earth he's meant to have done so wrong to merit a criminal record and become an official "sex offender". Will there be calls from bike owners to know whether he and his kind live in their area? Will cyclists become paranoid about being seen to be too close to their bikes, afraid to ride out in Lycra?

Thank goodness he wasn't found with a tricycle that's all I can say.

NB You can now join the facebook support group "sex with your bike is not a crime"