National Motto

Normally I would greet the call for a national motto by another dreary plasticine New-Minister as yet one more vacuous, cost free wheeze this bunch of vapid, no idea, no charisma careerists seem intent on inflicting on us for the latest ten second soundbite. I mean, they make cloned sheep appear capable of making unique and interesting contributions to political debate don't they?

However, in this case I've decided to come down in favour of a national motto. Obviously I wouldn't like something that plays to monoculture national stereotypes like "More tea vicar" or "Sorry" nor one that plays up to the imperial past like "England, civilising the natives since 1649." That would not do at all.

For me I think we should have something that represents the fluidity and confusion that surrounds the lack of national identity in these Isles. For that reason I propose we adopt the national motto of "Ummmm..." (the dots are *not* optional).

The number of m's we have could be varied for different occasions - formal occasions like state funerals could have a minimalist and pensive three, winning the ashes (should this ever occur) could have a grandiose six, about as puffed up as you can be without verging into the pompous.

See? My scheme has flexibility, nuance and ambiguity required of the post-modern ennui that is British national culture today. Perfect.