More lies that Capitalism tells

Capitalism's mouth is like a pit of snakes - hissing, writhing and inscrutable.

Among its lies are "I can't believe it's not butter" (shit butter perhaps), "the wealth trickles down" and "I'm a straight kind of guy" but these are as nothing to the greatest mendacity of modern times.

It's like riding a bike - you never forget how.

Oh yes you do - or at least I did.

As a kid I was always riding about, but as I grew older and more attracted to going to gigs and getting funky the old bike began to rot away in the garage next to the half deflated space hopper.

I only discovered I'd forgotten how to ride a bike a few Christmases ago when I took a part time job as a postman. The memory of wobbling erratically around the chilly streets of Colchester laden with a heavy sack of parcels is not one that will be easily forgotten.

I was always last back at the depot, and the whole experience was one of fear and physical exhaustion - primary because of my work relationship with that bloody bike.

When I moved to the city of bikes, Cambridge, I made a small, whispered promise to myself that I would once again cycle. After pavarication and much frowning I eventually did it today and got the old bike out the shed.

I took myself up to Fen Ditton and found a deserted field and got on. Jeez, it was hard work jiggling round that field - I did manage to do something that looked a little like 'riding' but if you added traffic or small children laughing and pointing I'd have been a goner.

I only came close to falling off the once. I found myself steaming towards a bush of stingers and instead of steering away or braking I just stared at it thinking "I'm going in that - eeek!" Eventually I made a controlled crash landing and no one was harmed despite my top speed of, oh, several miles an hour.

I really should learn how to use the brakes - I'm sure they'll come in useful. I'm also ashamed to reveal I could not work out how to turn the light on. Sigh.

But come on bike experts - why have I got two sets of gears? One for front and back wheel? Why would I need to have front in top and back in bottom gear - it makes no sense. Madness. Insanity.